That Thief Called Comparison & Accepting Yourself
I’d like to think that underneath comparing ourselves with other people, really, is the fact that we haven't accepted ourselves, exactly as we are...
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I know I shouldn't. I know it's not healthy. But sometimes, I still can't help it. My mind goes astray. The trigger could come from a post or a picture or a video. It could happen while on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or WhatsApp or even meeting up with a friend or a colleague. Then my mind would betray me – I would get into a funk, for a moment, and wish I was living someone else’s life. It’s that thief called comparison.
Yes, it happens. It happens to the best and worst of us. It's a natural inclination we have as human beings. So, what then do you do when these comparison thoughts come? And what emotions do they leave you with?
How Comparison Steals & What Lies Underneath…
If you really think about it, comparison sets in because you are unhappy or unsatisfied with at least one area of your life. It is often in our lowest moments and in our shortcomings that we compare and feel bad. I don’t think comparison sets in when good things happen to us, except we are comparing our good with a past great or someone else’s assumed great in which case it would mean that we are still unhappy or unsatisfied with that good. So, we mostly tend to compare ourselves in the moments when we don’t feel like we are enough.
The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone’s highlight reel – Steve Furtick
Of course, when we compare ourselves, we do it unfairly. The way we do it is inherently flawed. This is because we never really have all the information and never have the true picture of the other person’s reality. We only know ours and assume for the other person. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth; meanwhile, there is often more than meets the eye. So, we inevitably set ourselves up to lose. That’s why the process often leads to desperation, not happiness, and loosens, not tightens, our grip on reality.
But that is not what I want to talk about today, because I think most of us already know that. And if you didn’t, now you do 😊.
More importantly, I’d like to think that underneath comparing ourselves with other people, really, is the fact that we haven't come to terms with or accepted ourselves, exactly as we are.
I’d like to think that if you truly accepted yourself, you wouldn't look at someone's life and their journey and feel bad about yours or wish yours was like theirs.
I’d like to think so.
Where Self-Esteem Fails…
You are now probably thinking – Which one is acceptance again? Self-esteem we know, what is self-acceptance? Allow me start with the one that we are all familiar with.
Having self-esteem means feeling good about yourself. This feeling is often based on achievements and positive experiences. Accordingly, the more you accomplish things in life, the better you feel about yourself. The stark reality, however, is that you will not always have accomplishments and positive experiences. Firstly, there's always going to be someone who is better than you at something – finer or smarter or wealthier or more sportsy or more life of the party, etc. – as it should be because that variety is what makes life colourful.
Secondly, as I wrote in last month’s letter (Eventually, the Pendulum will Swing Again) – “The Law of Rhythm helps us understand that there will be seasons of success and seasons of what appear to be defeat or failure or standstill. There will be the high moments and the low moments. Neither one is more important than the other.” So, what then happens to your self-esteem when these low moments come?
Dr. Albert Ellis in his book, the Myth of Self-Esteem, affirmed that it’s not possible to consistently have high self-esteem because you cannot always meet your goals or have positive experiences all the time. If having high self-esteem consistently isn’t realistic, what do you do then? Even more, how do you navigate such low moments when they come?
That is where self-acceptance comes in.
The Journey of Self-Acceptance…
Self-acceptance is exactly what its name suggests – the state of complete acceptance of oneself – embracing who you are and where you are in your journey, without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions. It is having an awareness of your perceived imperfections and shortcomings or where you are in life, whilst simultaneously knowing you are worthy and deserving of compassion and kindness exactly as you are. So even when you meet someone or an old friend who seemingly has it better, you don’t feel bad or wish you had their life because you are at a place of self-acceptance. The urge to compare and mirror where you are with where someone else is gradually weakens. That’s where we need to get to.
This becomes especially important as we start Quarter 4, the last 3 months in 2021. Entering the final quarter often comes with its own added pressure – What have you achieved all year? How are you doing regarding your goals? Look at so and so and see what they have achieved so far. And your thoughts keep spiraling. Then you beat yourself up. You feel bad. You feel depressed. You wish your life was like Femi’s or Oyinkan’s or Amaka’s or Hakeem’s. You just wish you had things easy or figured out or sorted like you think they do. Because, again, it is often in those lowest moments and in our shortcomings that we compare and feel bad.
It is relatively easy to accept ourselves when we just did something great – won an award, fell in love, started a fantastic new job, closed a sale, or bought a car – accepting ourselves at our lowest and with our faults and flaws and shortcomings is the real mark of unconditional self-acceptance.
Learning how to come to terms with our imperfections, conflicting desires, and challenging emotions is the essence of self-acceptance.
Albeit it might be difficult to accept the things that we desperately want to change about ourselves, counterintuitively, it is only by truly accepting ourselves that we can begin the process of meaningful self-improvement.
Growth begins when we start accepting ourselves. – Jean Vanier
What Self-Acceptance is NOT…
At this point, you are probably wondering – Does accepting myself mean that I give up on myself? No, self-acceptance is not resignation or submission. It doesn’t mean that you simply give yourself a pass for your faults and weaknesses and results and stop trying to change them. It doesn’t mean that you condone and approve of negative or unfavourable experiences, emotions, and behaviours. Rather, it is a willingness to fully embrace and understand your situation. Then, from this position of total acceptance, you can decide how to move forward constructively as required.
Jon Kabat Zinn, one of the founders of Mindfulness training, put it best:
Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is – especially when you don’t like it – and then work wisely and effectively as best as you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.
You should also know that self-acceptance does not necessarily imply happiness. It strictly means you are at peace with who and where you are right now – Are you?
Starting Q4 2021 & Accepting Yourself…
Dear Reader, as we start the final quarter of 2021, I ask you, do you accept yourself? As you are right now, with where you are in your journey, with the results you have, do you really accept yourself?
I urge you to come to terms with yourself. Embrace your entire being. Your flaws and your strengths. Be at peace with both your failures and your accomplishments. Look to the mirror and accept the person right there looking back at you. Accept where you are in your journey through life. Let go of the struggles, the tension, and the pressure. Feel the weight lift off your shoulders. You are doing the best you can with all you have at the moment. Be kind to yourself. Cultivate self-compassion. Because really, if you had known better, you would have done better.
Self-acceptance is also a journey. It isn’t a once-and-for-all thing; it doesn’t happen overnight. It is something that must be done often. Sometimes, it requires daily practice and self-care – Practise mindfulness. Practise meditation. Practise gratitude. Practise relaxed awareness. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and regrets.
It may also be helpful to keep a journal of your accomplishments, results, strengths, and positive reviews. I see it as preparing for a rainy day. So that when those low moments come, as they sure will, you can go back to your journal and remind yourself with kindness of how far you have come along and the progress you are making.
I often have to remind myself that I cannot be all I want to be before my time. Living one’s dreams takes time. I am learning to accept that. I am learning to accept where I am in my journey and trust the process. I am learning to trust that I’m moving, even in those days or moments when it seems like I’m not. That’s why journaling helps. It reminds me of how far I have come – because, yes, your mind will play tricks on you. The onus is on you to remind yourself of your high moments.
Self-Acceptance – that is the journey I am on. I urge you to join me too 😊.
Love and light always,
O’Seye
P.S. Apologies - this month’s letter came in behind schedule. I hope it was worth the wait. Do let me know by liking or leaving a comment here:
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O'Seye, this is an amazing piece. It came at the right moment. Keep it up man! You're doing great.